


Endless Climb

by deerna



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Blink and you miss it McGenji reference, Body Horror, Brief Mention of:, Canon-Typical Violence, Consent Issues, Dissociation, First Meetings, Flashbacks, Gen, Genji Shimada Doesn't Trust Omnics (Not Yet), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post Blackwatch, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Recall, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 13:11:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13718406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deerna/pseuds/deerna
Summary: "It’s a long way to the shrine. When a pilgrim decides to climb the mountain, they often push themselves to their very limit to reach it. Many are those who plan the journey carefully, establishing breaks to recharge and refuel, because they expect the climb to take a toll on their bodies, but few take the time to prepare their minds for it. And because their mind isn’t ready, they fail… But the climb is designed to test even the most disciplined minds."





	Endless Climb

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [COWT8](http://www.landedifandom.net/tag/cow-t-8/) at [Lande Di Fandom](http://www.landedifandom.net), Week 5, prompt: "crepuscolo / twilight"  
>   
> This can be considered the aftermath of [Fever Dream](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12512568) and set in the same universe as [On the River Of Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12965484), but you don't have to read them to understand the plot.  
>   
> The ending doesn't satisfy me completely, but it's the best I could do ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> Please check the warnings! I'll explain in the notes below what exactly is going on.

It was a long climb to the Shambali shrine, but it was quiet, at least.

Genji didn’t miss the noisy streets of the capital that sprawled around the foot of the mountain. The crowd alone had been almost enough to make him panic. There were so many people around, yelling, bustling around, pressing up against him, too focused on their business to watch where they were going- there was too much input from every direction. 

Colors, noise, smell- the visor filtered the raw data out, a little, but Genji couldn’t stop it from analyzing every small thing in his environment and he’d had to fight the urge to rip it off his face, desperate for silence- 

But the higher he climbed, the quieter the streets became. The data stream was harder to ignore in its artificiality, but the information was easier to digest.

It was cold, though Genji couldn’t feel it. He knew just because there was a small green number in the corner of his vision, an ever changing string of ciphers that was too quick for his eyes to follow but that something in his mind _knew_ it meant _cold_. He saw the snow on the ground; its weight as it piled on the brim of his jingasa and the wet sensation of his cloak sticking to his shoulders were digitally measured before being filed away in orderly packets of data in the back of his cybernetically augmented brain. 

He met a few pilgrims on the way to the village, but Genji didn’t need to stop as often as them; he didn’t need to eat, nor to sleep, and somewhere deep down he feared that, if he stopped, he would’ve stopped for good; so Genji walked on and left them all behind, until his only companion was the howling wind. 

*

He got to the village below the monastery just when the sun was rising, bathing the peak of the mountain in a creamy, golden yellow. 

Despite the early hour, people were already getting ready to work. Humans and omnics alike, untroubled by each other’s differences, walking around and looking forward to the day. As he walked through the village, many of them greeted Genji with a smile and a nod of their heads, before going back to their business. Right before he exited the village, a pretty girl with a shaved head in a sleeveless tangerine robe pointed him to the shrine, and winked at him. 

In another life, Genji would’ve found such an un-monk-like gesture delightful. He used to like people and their quirkiness; he’d made improbable acquaintances in the past just to prove that _he could_ , just to prove that he could make anyone be friendly with him. He’d taken pleasure in being noticed, in making people establish first contact with him; as things were, it just made him want to pull his cloak tighter around himself and run.

There were flowers growing on the edge of the path to the shrine, small and delicate, uncaring of the cold, the pungent wind and the blinding sun that shone right above them. A few of their red petals dotted the snow, like drops of fresh blood, as if someone had scattered them on purpose to show the way. 

Genji followed the droplets, like he’d done when he was fifteen and he’d botched his first assassination; he’d followed the wounded man through dirty and wet alleys, worried that he wasn’t going to catch him in time; he eventually reached him, and slit the man throat with such a hurried gesture that he’d felt mortified afterwards: he’d learned better than that. 

He wondered if the pilgrims coming down from the shrine, all smiles and laughter and mangled nepali greetings, bright flowers on their hats and around their necks, could tell that they were crossing paths with a mindless killing machine.

*

The shrine was drowning in a pool of crimson flowers that looked like spilled blood in the livid shadows, the only source of light being the shine of the dying sun against the peaks of the mountains across the valley, snow glittering pink in the reddish glow of the twilight.

Genji climbed the steps, clapped his hands twice, and bowed deep, before his eyes fell on the carvings in the stone. They were unfamiliar and meaningless to him, but he guessed that they had to do with whatever the Shambali believed in. He should’ve prayed, probably, but save from the data gathering from his sensors - the blowing wind, the dying light, the gentle whispering of the bells hanging all around him - his mind was going blank, suddenly taken by strange emptiness buzzing within him in a way he’d never experienced before. 

It felt different from the life-sucking void that had been plaguing him since Blackwatch had taken him in- the soundless scream trapped under what was left of his skin that grieved a life that he’d never valued before he’d lost it to the hands of his own kin. It felt different from the numbness he’d chased in the bottom of a bottle and at the end of powdery lines, in bars and opium dens all over the world. It wasn’t the satisfaction he’d felt after a kill or in a small death. 

He knelt in the mess of spilled petals, crushed by a sudden heaviness in his limbs. His body couldn’t feel hunger or thirst, the cold or the need to sleep, but something deep inside Genji always felt _tired_ nonetheless; the emptiness finally let him _rest._

It was _good_ , and Genji almost was scared of giving it a name. 

“Peace,” a calm voice said behind him, almost plucking the word from Genji’s mind. 

An omnic floated in the air next to the shrine, legs folded in a relaxed half-lotus position. The smooth dome of its head and the metallic frame of his upper body reflected faintly the pink light despite the shadows, a bright, pale blue nine-dot array blinking on its forehead; in sharp contrast with it, its bottom half was clad in a tangerine pair of soft-looking pants and a crimson garment- colors that Genji had learned to associate to the Shambali monks. An odd number of floating metallic spheres chimed softly around him, their sounds merging with the ones from the bells.

Genji turned his head to look at it, as his hand flew to the tantou strapped at the small of his back, but he didn’t unsheath it; as unnerved he was by the fact that the thing had been able to sneak up on him, there was something reassuring about its aura. It looked somewhat familiar. 

“I apologize,” the omnic said in a surprisingly smooth voice, raising both hands in a placating gesture. “I didn’t mean to startle you, but I could feel your exhaustion from far away-”

“I know you,” Genji interrupted it, recognizing the voice. “You were in Egypt.”

The omnic clapped its hands once, obviously pleased, and the orbs spun tighter around its neck for a second, before going still, back in their slightly wobbly orbit. “That’s right!”

Genji remembered the colorful crowd cheering around the small gathering of Shambali monks right in the middle of the dusty road, the urge to flee from the noise; he’d ducked to shelter in one of the cool, dark shops along the street, not realising that he’d been followed. 

The omnic monk had been silent as a shadow even back then; Genji hadn’t detected it until it started talking, attempting to engage him in small talk, asking apparently harmless questions until Genji had grown tired of it, and exited the shop.

 _I know the doubts that plague you,_ the omnic had called after him, that gentle voice suddenly slipping into a darker tone, pained and grave. 

It hadn’t been something that Genji could forget easily, really. 

“I’m glad you remember me,” the omnic cheerfully kept going. “I recognized you immediately, of course.” That strange, darker tone was back in its artificial voice. “A new cloak is not enough to hide an old wound.” 

“You like talking in riddles, don’t you?” Genji drawled, unwilling to admit that he found the omnic slightly unnerving. 

Surprisingly, the omnic chuckled. “I’m afraid it’s a bad habit I picked up from my studies. Philosophers and wise men seldom share their knowledge in plain words.”

Genji scoffed. “I’m not here to solve enigmas,” he muttered under his breath, staring at the omnic through his visor. The orbs around its shoulders were floating in a much larger orbit than before, and only then Genji noticed a strange gap in their formation, like one of them was missing. 

“What’s the purpose of your journey, then?” the omnic asked in a careful tone. Though there was nothing on its face that made it look like it, Genji had the impression that it was staring at him too, gauging his reactions. It made him nervous. 

Genji looked away, and stared back at the carvings in the stone. “A friend told me that I needed to come here.” McCree almost hadn’t looked at him when they met in that dusty bar in the middle of nothing, but his words had been warm. “He thinks I’m lost, that I need-” He frowned, suddenly distracted. 

The sky was pink, darkening quickly in a deep indigo; above Genji, a strange, _golden_ glare bounced off the column. It wasn’t fire; it couldn’t be electricity. 

Genji looked up, and his grip tightened around the tantou’s hilt. “What is that?” he hissed, but he actually knew the answer already.

It was the missing orb; identical to the others that still drifted around the omnic’s neck, it glowed golden in the growing darkness, a thin tether connecting somewhere out of sight, behind Genji’s neck. He tried to turn, to see where it was latched, but no matter what, he couldn’t. 

Immediately registering Genji’s alarm, the monk slowly raised his hands “You have nothing to fear from me-”

Genji gripped harder the blade, ready to attack. “I said, _what is that?_ ”

The omnic let out a sputter of static that sounded like a _sigh_. “I could feel your exhaustion from far away,” it repeated, soothingly. “It is my job here, healing and restoring the pilgrims-”

“I don’t need healing,” Genji snapped, the lie bitter on his tongue. “Nor restoring.” 

The circle of spheres tightened around the monk’s neck all of a sudden, their metallic surfaces clicking loudly against the omnic’s frame. “Very well.” It made a gesture like snatching something mid-air, calling the lonely orb back to its rightful place.

And just like that, the peace was gone, as if it never existed. The void spread in Genji’s chest like an opened wound, tension coiling in his body like a snake. It was disorienting and sudden like a seizure; a fatigue taking over his thoughts and overclocking his processors, hyper-aware of himself and his laboured breath as if he hadn’t been living like that since- since- 

He pressed the faceplate against his mouth and nose, as if he could force the filter to work more efficiently like that, as if breathing could stop his shaking. He’d forgotten about all of it, he realized: for a moment, he wasn’t kneeling on synthetic knees, he was just kneeling; he’d been talking without listening to the artificial tones of his own reconstructed voice; he’d forgotten that he was an assembly of mangled limbs and metallic pieces. It hadn’t _mattered_. 

“You,” Genji rasped, pulling himself on his feet, and he hated how his voice came out like he was gasping for air, like he was drowning in his own blood. “That’s-”

“I call this an Orb of Harmony,” the omnic said, hovering a bit closer. The glowing golden orb floated over its right hand like an offering, an answer to the question Genji had asked and to many others he’d been too afraid to even formulate. “But it’s just an energy catalyzer, really.”

“A catalyzer? I thought you said-”

“My job is healing and restoring the pilgrims visiting the Shrine,” the omnic repeated smoothly. “Through Harmony I soothe their soul, their mind, and their body.” 

Genji moved a careful step closer to the omnic. The pink glare from the sky was too faint now to glint off the omnic’s faceplate; the only source of light was the bright yellow Orb of Harmony hovering between them. He cautiously reached a hand out, not quite touching it. He’d never used his sensors that way before, but if he could analyse the energy signature maybe he could try and replicate it…

He clicked his tongue when he realized he couldn’t get a read a read on it. “How does it work? It doesn’t feel like anything,” he snapped, frustrated. 

“Everything is connected.” The omnic tilted its head as if in thought. “As you know, it’s a long way to the shrine. When a pilgrim decides to climb the mountain, they often push themselves to their very limit to reach it. Many are those who plan the journey carefully, establishing breaks to recharge and refuel, because they expect the climb to take a toll on their bodies, but few take the time to prepare their minds for it. And because their mind isn’t ready, they fail… But the climb is designed to test even the most disciplined minds. It’s their _souls_ that are supposed to reach the Shrine, so that the Iris can shine bright on them, and they can gaze into the Iris.”

“Is this another riddle?” Genji muttered, taking his hand back. 

“No. You don’t feel anything from the Orb because it’s empty,” the omnic said with simplicity, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “What you felt earlier was your soul.”

Genji recoiled, taking a step back, and, for what felt like a long time, he couldn’t speak. Though only moments had passed since he’d felt it last, he almost couldn’t remember what that peace, the _harmony_ felt like. “That’s bullshit,” Genji croaked finally. “That’s- that’s just bullshit. You don’t know anything about me.”

“On the contrary. I can feel that your soul is hurt, but beyond the cracks is very beautiful.”

“I’m a weapon, I don’t have a soul.” A bitter laughter bursted from Genji’s throat even as moisture gathered in his eyes. “How can something that doesn’t exist be beautiful?”

The omnic made that strange static sound of his again, and raised its left hand. A second sphere left its position in the orbit around the omnic’s neck, and started emitting a purple aura, so dark that it seemed to suck the light in like a black hole. “I believe the phrase is ‘It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission’, so… I hope you’ll understand, ” the omnic said, and then it repeated the same snatching gesture of before, but with his left hand.

_Hanzo’s blade cutting through his right arm like it was made of wax- the smell of alcohol and blood and burnt flesh- the pain- the pain- the ache- the fear and the rage- McCree’s room, empty and barren, just half a cigar cooling in a chipped glass- Reyes’ voice telling him to retreat as his sword sank in another body- the blood-_

“M-make it stop,” Genji babbled, feeling a wave of pain washing over him.

_Angela talking to a technician while she disconnected his left leg- the bland taste of a slushie in the middle of the night in Boston- jumping off a plane for another mission, again and again and again, until they were a blur- running through endless corridors, tripping in the dark, the piercing pain of Hanzo’s arrow in the back of his knee and waking up with a scream-_

“Please- please, make it _stop_.” 

_The blue dragon burning his flesh off his bones as he phased through him- Angela speaking over him while the fear consumed him- “Please, please, not my arm, Angela, not my arm”- the void- calling in the dark for the light and feeling just the void- Hanzo-_

When Genji came to, he was lying in the snow, the omnic hovering next to him very close to the ground. He couldn’t remember walking down the steps, he couldn’t remember his body falling. 

“It’s all right, Genji,” the omnic murmured , soothing enough to cut through the pain that still screamed under his skin, behind his eyelids. 

“Please,” Genji gasped, begged, but he didn’t know what he was begging for.

“You’re safe, I promise,” the omnic murmured again. It placed a yellow Orb of Harmony on Genji with a whipping motion, and a gentle warmth spread within him, lifting the horrifying memories that had numbed his mind moments before. “I am really sorry, I had to make you understand- I’m afraid I underestimated the pain I would put you in.”

Genji was shaking again, his mind clearing, his breathing coming easier. “You saw?” 

“No,” the omnic reassured him. “I can only perceive your pain, I cannot see what it’s causing it. I am really sorry for putting you in such pain,” it repeated, and it really looked sorry, somehow, in the way it pressed its hands together, in the wobbly and irregular orbit of his orbs.

“Don’t be,” Genji told it, feeling numb despite the Harmony orb. “I understand now.”

He still didn’t recognize that peaceful feeling that warmed his limbs, but that pain- that pain he knew intimately. It kept him from seeking sleep, and it made him flee and run. 

His hat had fell somewhere, he noticed, turning on his side still laying in the snow to look at the omnic. “You know my name,” he told it, wondering. 

The monk perked up slightly “You told me in Egypt!” it explained, a flutter of lights in its forehead array. “I really hoped to meet you again.”

“Do you have a name?”

“I do. I am Zenyatta.” 

Genji looked up at the sky, the stars starting to glint in the inky darkness. “I know how to find the pain,” he said, slowly. “Can you teach me how to find the peace in my… within me?”

“I don’t know if I can teach you,” Zenyatta admitted. “But I’d be happy to try and help you, if you come with me to the Sanctum.”

Genji slowly got up, and brushed the snow off his cloak. “Lead the way, then.”

**Author's Note:**

> Explanation of a few warnings:  
> \- Zenyatta places an Harmony orb and a Discord orb on Genji without his consent; while the former doesn't have bad consequences, the latter triggers a few bad flashbacks. He does apologize for it afterwards and Genji doesn't suffer further consequences but- it's there.  
> \- In the flashbacks, Genji remembers Hanzo hurting him, Blackwatch de-humanizing him, nightmares, and various traumas from his cyborg-ization.  
> 


End file.
